I plan on telling stories about adventure. I will write three stories about characters pursing an adventure to find something, but end up finding themselves and their true purpose in life. The first story will be about a dog that is searching for a missing object to receive a reward. The second story will be about a girl that falls asleep and dreams about the adventure she's always wanted to go on (it will have an Alice in Wonderland type feel to it.) The last story will be about a girl searching for true love to complete her and finding only she can complete herself.
The sources of my ideas are mainly from the
Arabian Nights stories by Andrew Lang I read a few weeks ago. They are stories about stories which is what I am planning on writing about. I am also incorporating the animal aspect to one some of the stories that is inspired by the
Santal Folklore stories by C. H. Bompas.
My storybook is called:
Adventure Storybook
Sabrina, what an awesome intro! It’s so descriptive, but leaves so much mystery behind it too. I can’t wait for the main character to start talking to him or herself so we can get to know the character more. There are so many ways you can go with this story. You could take the self-discovery approach or a heroic story approach, I cannot wait to see what you decided to do. My only suggestion would be to add some more inner dialogue before your character gets up. Describe what he or she is thinking just before she opens her eyes. Are they confused or hurt? Is it cold? What do they hear? Did this character come from another place and woke up in another or is this essentially their birth? If you planned on clearing these questions up as your write your story, then don’t worry it! These were just some general questions that I have, which is great because you want people asking for more!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a great introduction! Your description and imagery really drew me in and made me want to keep reading. This initial scene left me with questions and wanting to know more! Maybe add some more thoughts as to what the person is feeling? You described the scene beautifully but did not focus on her response as much. So is this the person you are going to introduce in your first story? It doesn't really introduce all the three stories you mentioned above, but maybe you planned it that way! I really loved the picture you chose; I think it captured the scene you describing perfectly. Also are all the characters you mentioned above going to all be from the same place? Or are their stories going to overlap at all? Or were you just thinking of the connection being that they were all experiencing and learning from adventures? Just some thoughts I had when I read! Really great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Sabrina! I liked how I felt the awaiting adventure right from the get-go of the intro. It gave a purpose for the adventures and had enough energy to hook me into it.
ReplyDeleteJust a note: the punctuation of the first line of dialogue is off.
I like the setup and how the character is trying to piece together what has happened. I feel like the character's actions are a bit too detailed. I got caught up in trying to imagine what exactly it would look like rather than letting it flow through my mind. Maybe use more adjectives and descriptions rather than to-the-point actions (if that makes any sense). Or maybe it is just an issue I am having. I would also suggest breaking up the large body of text. It is pretty imposing as large as it is. I also was left wondering what the end goal of the storybook is. Based on the intro, I expect to have accounts of the character's time in the forest, but I do not know if there is any other goal within the story such as getting back home.
Overall, I am intrigued to see what all (and maybe even who all) is in this forest. Nicely done!
Hi, Sabrina! I enjoyed reading your introduction because it was so full of beautiful imagery and vivid descriptions! The first line instantly drew me in and I was so curious from where the character would be leaving and then the character woke up somewhere else!! I was very interested the entire time because it sure would drive me crazy if I couldn't remember how I ended up somewhere! I am very interested to hear about why the forest is glowing and how it came to be like that. Is it a man-made thing or is it magical? What a fun idea! It was a little difficult at times to understand the transitions between thoughts because it was all one large paragraph, so it might be a good idea to break it up into smaller sections so that it is easier to read. Just a thought! I really liked the plot and am very intrigued to hear what happens in the rest of your story! Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteWow, I love the layout and background of your storybook so much! It really puts in me in the perfect reading mood. Plus, you added a song to every page?! I am very truly impressed without a doubt. The introduction was great. There is one small thing, I did notice a lot of the sentences started with the word “I”. Changing the sentence around will help the redundancy in that a lot and it will be even better to read.
ReplyDeleteThe way you write is very lovely. There is an element of imagery, which is greatly appreciated. For your first story, immediately I felt relatable to the character. Again, the background is fitting. The sense of adventure being your theme was innovative and you have done a great job at incorporating it. Overall, I enjoyed everything you have so far. I am interested to see how this expands throughout the semester!
“Hello? Is someone there? You see, I just ended up here and I’m trying to figure out where I am and how to get home,” I said to the invisible people.
ReplyDeleteInstead of the comma at the end, it should be a period since the main character does not say anything after.
Aw, I really liked the music you chose! It was really lively and I could imagine the main character trying to find her way around. I thought the interaction between the character and the flowers was cute as well, especially with the way they tried to ignore her. I'm actually really interested in where the protagonist is, especially with talking flowers and fairies! The story feels light-hearted and I really got that tone from the music; I smiled when I read this.
As for the next chapter, I really love the picture and I'm wondering who she is. I can imagine her fitting into the setting you described.
Good job! Excited for the next story.
Your introduction is so good and sets up your story so well. I love how it all is so mysterious; it makes the reader want to find out how your protagonist got inside that tree. (I also love the music, and how it helps enhance the story. I would never have thought of adding music, so that is really creative!).
ReplyDeleteYour first story is so captivating. I really enjoyed reading it and I'm anxious to know what happens next to your Alice character (whatever her name may be). To add to the story, I would like to see more of her thoughts and how she is processing everything. My mind would be reeling if something like this happened to me, so think about what she must be feeling through all of this.
I love the addition of the flowers! This really reminds me of Alice and Wonderland and I love it. I also really enjoy the dialogue you've included. As I continue to read, I again wonder what your Alice character is thinking and feeling during this time. Is she surprised or delighted when she sees the fairies? I certainly would be. What is her reaction to shrinking, because I honestly would be very freaked out? Or is being with the fairies clouding her judgment? If so, I would add how she notices that. Perhaps you ran out of word space (that happens to me so much), but your ending seems a bit rushed, so I would think about editing that so it flows better. All in all though, I love how you took inspiration from Alice and Wonderland and I really enjoy how your story is turning out. I cannot wait to read more of it.
Hey Sabrina,
ReplyDeleteWow! I was really impressed with your first story. You really know how to incorporate dialogue to captivate people's attention. Your story had a very nice flow to it which I also really enjoyed. One thing that caught my attention, was the background of your story. I wonder if there is a way to make the picture fade some? I think you have a great Storybook setup, but I think that everything that is going on is very busy and distracts the reader from the words that were so well written. I also liked how you did your story based on a Disney movie. I always like to read how people have transitioned them to mold their own words. I enjoyed that your storybook included a link to some kind of dance. It makes things more lively if everyone can enjoy it. I think that the dialogue was great, but that we should also get more of a depiction of what the character is like. I can't wait to read more of the stories that you are going to write. This was such a great idea for a Storybook! (I am even jealous I didn't think of it. Great job!!
I love your homepage for your storybook. It definitely makes me want to read it. Your site is sooo cool! Teach me your ways! It was so much fun to navigate. I loved the music you included for your intro and the images you chose! Your imagery was perfect in your introduction, and the background image helped aid it tremendously. Your intro hooked me like it should, and I was so ready to keep reading! Great job! I also love Alice and Wonderland, so I really enjoyed your storybook. I think you did an absolutely wonderful job on choosing your images. I really don;t have much critiquing to give you. Just keep doing what you are doing! I did love the dialogue she has with the other creatures, so I would say keep using that as a helpful tool in your story-writing. I look forward to coming back to your storybook and reading more! Also, I love your music choices as well.
ReplyDeleteHey, Sabrina! Great job so far on your storybook! I didn't even know that you could embed youtube videos into the storybook website. That's the first thing that I noticed and it definitely helps to set the mood for the reading. Another thing that I noticed was your vivid use of images. The combination of the music and the images helped me to envision your story coming to life.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction had me wondering what kind of story you were going to be telling at first. But it started to make perfect sense as the intro went along. I think it's really cool that you know more about Alice in Wonderland than what you read in the Untextbook. Knowing those extra details will definitely aid you in your future storybook writings. All I know from Alice in Wonderland is from what I've seen in the moves. Lol. The only other thing that I would say is that it was a little tough to focus on the words with the pictures in the background. If you could lighten that up, then your storybook would be 100!
Hi Sabrina, I had a free choice this go-around, so I wanted to check back and see what progress you had made from last time! I first noticed that you have embedded YouTube videos for music; I love that! I also think you made them look visually pleasing. They don't stick out awkwardly in any way.
ReplyDeleteSomething that I like about your first story is that you immediately let the audience know the mission of the main character -- to get back home. This makes it easier to understand the perspective of the character. I also like how the character just embraces the weirdness of her new environment. You also did a fantastic job of capturing the feel of Alice in Wonderland. All of the colors in your images plays nicely to this as well; however, I would suggest to alter them because they sometimes make it hard to read the text. You character doesn't seem to be terrified, maybe because she is much larger than everything else. You might could play on her fears now that she is the same size as everything else after eating the fruit.
Great job so far, and I look forward to checking in on this storybook again in the future!
Hey Sabrina! Your intro was seriously amazing. I loved that you put a song at the top for us to listen to while we read, and I loved the picture being behind the words. I also tried putting a picture behind some of my text, but most people have commented against it. You definitely pulled it off though. Your layout and whimsical pictures are all amazing, especially at instilling a sense of wonder and alternative world.
ReplyDeleteInto the Woods was super fun! I really liked the Celtic music, but I do think your character needs to react to the world more. I know that is one of my greatest struggles in my Storybook too because I'm also writing a displaced heroine. But I do think she needs a little bit more of a visceral reaction or at least a goal. She just kind of chilled and danced with the fairies without any apprehension. Consider giving her a goal of getting out or finding someone she can understand. Then you can have her dancing with all of the fairies and either going one by one and asking them or the constant question looming over her of "where am I?"
But overall, I really liked it. I am excited to come back and see more.
Hi Sabrina,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story for this week! I liked your take on the story of Alice in Wonderland. I haven’t read the original story, but I have seen the movie, but I know the basic premise. I liked how you changed Alice into a girl from a small town who wants to make something of her life, someone a little more modern than the original. I thought that the plot line was really good. There was one paragraph that I had a hard time reading. It was the paragraph after the encounter with the flowers where Alice hears the music. I think that the paragraph could be a little more succinct and not so repetitious in your word choice. I really liked the introduction, I thought it set up your story really well and it gave enough background for your main character so that we knew a bit about her before we were thrusted into this story with her.
Hi Sabrina! Your introduction is so powerful. The first paragraph reminds me a lot of what people who have grown up here in Oklahoma say about their home community. The addition of the music really adds to your story. The introduction also reminds me of what Dorothy probably felt when she landed in Munchkinland after being thrown there by a twister. The next story is also powerful, I look forward to reading about the not so lovable Queen and what will happen there as well as what song you choose to go with that story. I love that your inspiration for this story came from Alice in Wonderland but my mind has gone to many other stories. Have you ever seen the movie "Labrynth?" Your first story reminded me a lot of the beginning of that movie. You should check it out! Great job and I'm looking forward to the rest of the story!
ReplyDeleteThe thing I like most about this story is how I see elements of the classic Wonderland in the text, but you’ve made it your own story. This protagonist clearly isn’t the classic Alice. For example, the fox takes the place of the Cheshire cat. I’m interested in seeing how those changes will affect the story, and what other changes there will be in future chapters. I also love the episode with the flowers. They’re so nasty to the protagonist! It makes me think of the classic Wonderland, but with the visuals you’ve provided and the specific interactions between the flowers and the main character, it feels different.
ReplyDeleteIf you’re looking to edit or expand, one thing you could do is write more about what the main character feels when she shrinks for the first time. It feels like her reaction is missing. If I shrank just like that, holy god, I would flip out. You could describe how it feels physically for her, what she sees, her thought process, anything like that. It would be a very unique thing to add into the story.
Great story!
Your storybook has a great design! I love all of the use of pretty pictures and music! I would suggest that you make a note to the reader that the music should be played while they read, or maybe even see if there is a tech tip that will help you make the music play automatically. I began reading your stories and got all the way through the introduction before I noticed the Youtube videos for music. I also really like that you seamlessly transfer from one story to another. It feels more like turning a page in a book than clicking on a hyperlink to a new page, and that is kind of a refreshing concept online. I like how you fit all of your stories into the same main story. I hope you will use some of your time in this class to finish up your project so that we can find out what this strange world with all the talking animals is! Great work and very creative use of technology!
ReplyDeleteI love the music added to the story! It brings it to a whole new level. I felt as though in the introduction the rhythm of the music changed depending where I was in the story. I also love the Celtic music in the first story. I always think of fairies as Celtic or Irish so it really fits well. I am excited to see what music you plan to put with your third story. I like that you have a fox instead of the Cheshire Cat. I always liked the cat but I think the fox will do a better job of being mysterious since they already give off that vibe. I agree with the comments that say if you want to expand then describe her experience more on how she feels being shrunk or how scared she was when she was unable to see her hands in front of her face. I loving the story so far!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I really like the cliff hanger you have now in your second story.
Hi Sabrina! I really enjoyed your first story and how you added music to it. That was a really unique and creative way to bring the story to life and grab people's attention. I think you did a great job of incorporating dialogue into the story as well. It really helped show the personalities of the flowers and add some humor to the situation. I love the story of Alice in Wonderland and how everything doesn't necessarily make sense. It is such a fun way to think outside the box and your story represented it really well. I can't wait to read other stories from your storybook because it was so creative and fun to read!
ReplyDeleteI do like you story. I have always been a fan of Alice and Wonderland. The way you have taken hold of the story is wonderful. You are giving such life to this old tale! You have chosen such beautiful pictures that really capture the essence of you story. The only thing is, is that they are somewhat distracting. They are pulling attention away from your story. There is so much going on, and it feels slightly cluttered, it is just hard to concentrate on the story itself. I am slightly sad you replaced the cat with a fox. Cheshire was and always will be my favorite character, but at the same time I can understand why you might want to distance yourself from the expectations to create your own character. I cant wait to see what you do with the remainder of your tale. I will come back to get an answer to the cliff hanger you have left me on.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteI just had to come back to your storybook because I enjoyed your first story so much. I'm so glad you wrote a second part, because it was really good. I just have a few comments about it, which will hopefully help you edit and expand it better. In your first paragraph, I would think of a different way of describing her actions than "walking," since you use that word a lot in this paragraph. I love your character's thought process and I love how adventurous she is. I also love the inclusion of the Cheshire fox and I can definitely see the Cheshire Cat in the fox. This story is really great so far. I love how you are taking elements from Alice and Wonderland, but you're still making them your own. Your forest is still mysterious and exciting, but because of the Alice and Wonderland inspiration, it feels familiar. I think in expanding it, you probably know your title doesn't fit with your story, so obviously you should add the queen into the story. I like how you described her voice (I think it's the queen's voice) as sending chills up your protagonist's back. That helps us envision her as eerie and dangerous. I really think you can do a lot with the queen, because she is such an interesting character. I think her trying to "befriend" the protagonist is a good idea and you could give background on her through that. All in all, your storybook is turning out really great and I can't wait to see what else you come up with!
Hi, Sabrina! I love the design and layout of your storybook! It’s beautiful and I love the elements and little details you added to enhance the feeling of your story! The music was also beautiful in Chapter 1: Into the Woods. Your story overall is very interesting and I love the Alice in Wonderland style you have going on. The only thing I would suggest to you is to have maybe more descriptions than dialogue. What you have is great, but it seems like the majority of each chapter is just characters speaking. With all the wonderment around, your story can definitely benefit from telling the audience more imagery to make them feel like their actually in the story. (One small thing I noticed was that the font size in Chapter 2 is smaller than the Introduction and Chapter 1. If you enlarge it a little, it could keep your storybook consistent!) Besides these, I think you’ve done a wonderful job, and I can’t wait to see the finished product!
ReplyDeleteHi Sabrina! I am glad to see there is another story for me to read! I did notice that you did not embed music in the second story, whereas you did for the intro and first story. I am not sure if you just forgot or if it was intentional. Regarding the story, I really like the interaction the two characters had, but I felt it lacked a lot of detail I would expect from the first person point of view. It mostly was dialogue and very few details. I hope that you will have a chance to further expand on the queen. I like that you gave her a backstory. Now I would like to see what she is like and how her backstory shaped her into who she is. I also do hope you are writing another story. I would like to know how this story ends, but many classmates have finished all the writing they planned on doing. Overall, great job! I look forward to the next story.
ReplyDeleteHi, Sabrina! I really enjoyed reading your storybook and I was instantly drawn in from the introduction! The first lines of the intro about the sister and wanting to leave intrigued me and I knew I wanted to learn more about this character. I loved your vivid details and descriptions of the forest that were so perfectly complemented by the pictures that you chose. I don't know how you found such good visual representations, but great job with that! It really helped me feel like I was experiencing the story first hand. I also loved the music clips that you included! Music is a big inspiration for me as well while writing so I thought it was really cool to hear what inspired you to write each part. I also used to Irish Step Dance so the Celtic music was very familiar and fun for me. There were just a couple things I noticed that might help with some continuity. When the main character asks "hello?" in the first story and then explains that she's lost, it was a little confusing for me that she knew immediately they were invisible people. How did she know that or was she simply speculating since she couldn't immediately find the source of the voices? I was just confused by that since they ended up being flower people instead of invisible people as she initially thought. Also, there was one line in particular that says "their skinned glowed" where I think you meant to say "skin glowed". These are just small details that caught my eye while reading. Overall, I think you did a really fantastic job and I enjoyed reading your storybook! What a cool idea to talk about adventures!
ReplyDeleteI came back to read your other story. As always, I really enjoy the visual of your storybook! I think it is so amazing and really the best I have seen in the class. I liked the dialogue between the characters and how there were some humorous aspects to it. I like how you included the backstory as to why the queen is not so loveable. It is great to see the motivations behind her actions because it really helps build empathy for her character. I also think it was perfect to make your Cheshire cat character a fox! That animal fits the profile so well! The only suggestion I have is to finish out the storybook because I can’t wait to hear what happens next! Great job with this storybook and I hope I can return to read your final story! I hope that there is some sort of happy ending for all.
ReplyDeleteHey Sabrina!
ReplyDeleteI have commented on your blog multiple times so I figured it was time I read your storybook! Finally! The starry background, and the idea of finding oneself among adventure initially intrigued me. I feel like in college that is what all of us are doing, or trying to do at least! I read the introduction and loved the white text on the busy and dark background. The writing style you used was beautiful and easy to read! As you only have two stories on here I chose to read the first one and loved it! The fairies and shrinking berry were so fun! I could immediately imagine “Honey, I shrunk the kids!” I also had a vague idea of whoville from Dr. Suess sitting in those flowers! This story had a fairly abrupt ending and I am unsure where you were taking us, which is good in a way as I had to read the next story!
First off, I thought the overall layout of your storybook was beautiful. The backgrounds you chose for each story really helped me paint the setting in my own mind. I believe that aspect of mythical stories such as this one really helps interest the reader. It definitely interested me more and kept me wanting more from the stories. I have always loved the tales like the one you right. It is definitely your own take on Alice in Wonderland. The music you chose for the introduction also helped set the mood for the entire storybook. I think the music is a first that I have seen in this class. It is such a great idea! You are tackling multiple sense at once with you story: hearing, seeing. Overall, the thing I love most about your storybook is the visual draw it has. As soon as I clicked the link, I felt like I was in a fairytale. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteINTRODUCTION:
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your scenery in this introduction. The night-time elements and surreal nature of the forest give off a mystical vibe with ominous undertones.
The conflict sounds interesting, but I think just a little more information would really sell the interest in the protagonist. Maybe we can talk a little more about her growing up with these ambitions and an apparent disappointment of a sister?
Paragraph structure could be a tad more controlled in your fifth paragraph. We have two separate ideas: running to the light from waking up, and admiring the landscape. Splitting these off into two paragraphs will allow these ideas to breathes on their own.
There seems to be a bit of a disjoint in our protagonist's line of thinking after she remembers she realizes she doesn't know where she is, going back to admiring the scenery. I could assume she's just becoming so entranced she can't help it, but you might want to make whatever is affecting her apparent in the narration, otherwise this feels like inconsistent character behavior.
Overall: You're promising some nice details in the world, setting up a mysterious conflict, but some plot restructuring and elaboration will help us care more about the protagonist, making this a more compelling story. I like where this is going. Keep at it.
INTO THE WOODS:
We're getting into the really strange stuff like shrinking fruit and discourteous plants. I like the descriptions of these. I'd very much like to have an idea of where the plot is going, though!
So...why fairies? They seem more of an interesting element than the flowers that seem to have no relevance to our protagonist's experience. I'd like to hear about this in you r Author's Note.
For such a sudden change, I'd expect more of a reaction to having been shrunk down to no taller than a flower!
Depending on what direction you want to take our protagonist's character (who we still don't the name of) you may want to change her reactions to the fantasy accordingly. If you want to deliver the message that fantasy and adventure is not all it's cracked up to be, you could make apprehension in her narration more apparent.
Overall: Still has nice fantasy imagery, but I feel a lack of direction here. I think we need to have more of an idea of where the plot will go and a clear development of the protagonist to really get this project going. Keep up the hard work!